Thursday, January 27, 2005
Wait didn't this just happen?
Don't you wish there was a way to rewind a day? Not to take back stupid things you said or anything. I mean you have a nice day where everything just works? Yeah me too. While it would be nice all we can do is strive to make the next day just as nice as the first one. 1337 p30p13 5ki112.
| {Old Posts here}
| {Old Posts here}
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
AAAAAH SPIDERS....SPIDERS!
Sorry a bit of the night terrors there. Anyway So much is going on and it all feels ok. Current status:
*drumroll*
Doing the cabbage patch!
Huh? What the hell does that mean? Hmmmmmmm I gotta think on get on that with some thinking.
| {Old Posts here}
*drumroll*
Doing the cabbage patch!
Huh? What the hell does that mean? Hmmmmmmm I gotta think on get on that with some thinking.
| {Old Posts here}
Monday, January 24, 2005
More Funny
From you know who
Answer: Gatorade.
Question: What does an alligator get on welfare?
A: 9W.
Q: "Dr. Wiener, do you spell your name with a V?"
A: OJ, Dr. Ruth, Bill Gates
Q: Name me a drink, a shrink, and a fink.
A: Bonzo, Goodyear, and Bush
Q: Name a chimp, a blimp, and a wimp.
A: Piggly Wiggly
Q: Describe Kermit's wedding night.
A: 1941, 2001, 2010
Q: Name two movies and the next time you'll see Jim Baaker.
A: Mount Baldi
Q: What did Yul Brenner's wife do on their wedding night?
A: Bible belt.
Q: What holds up Oral Roberts' pants?
A: Milk and honey.
Q: What do you get from a bee that has an udder?
A: Black and white and twenty feet tall.
Q: Describe Sister Mary Kong.
A: An unmarried woman.
Q: What was Elizabeth Taylor between 3 and 5 pm on June 1, 1952?
A: The Laughing Policeman.
Q: What do you call a cop who frisks himself?
A: Dustin Hoffman.
Q: Describe someone cleaning his Hoffman.
A: Until he gets caught.
Q: How long does a United States Congressman serve?
A: Shareholder.
Q: What did Sonny Bono used to be?
A: Skalliwags.
Q: What does your skalli do when it's happy?
A: Head and shoulders.
Q: What do you see if you open the trunk of the Godfather's car?
A: Hickory Dickory Dock.
Q: Who do you go to when you have a pain in your hickory dickory?
A: "Rose Bowl."
Q: What do you say when it's Rose's turn at the bowling alley?
A: That darn cat.
Q: Who ruined that darn rug?
A: Gunga din.
Q: What do you hear when you put an amplifier in your gunga?
A: "Follow the yellow brick road."
Q: What are good directions to a urologist's office?
A: At both ends.
Q: Where do New Yorkers put their dogs muzzles?
A: Igloo.
Q: What do you use to keep your ig from falling off?
A: R-O-L-A-I-D-S.
Q: How does a stupid person spell "backgammon"?
A: Grape Nuts.
Q: What are Ernest and Julio Gallo?
A: Shake-N-Bake.
Q: Describe a double feature with Earthquake and The Towering Inferno.
A: Flypaper.
Q: What do you use to gift wrap a zipper?
A: Supervisor.
Q: What does Clark Kent wear to keep the sun out of his eyes?
| {Old Posts here}
Answer: Gatorade.
Question: What does an alligator get on welfare?
A: 9W.
Q: "Dr. Wiener, do you spell your name with a V?"
A: OJ, Dr. Ruth, Bill Gates
Q: Name me a drink, a shrink, and a fink.
A: Bonzo, Goodyear, and Bush
Q: Name a chimp, a blimp, and a wimp.
A: Piggly Wiggly
Q: Describe Kermit's wedding night.
A: 1941, 2001, 2010
Q: Name two movies and the next time you'll see Jim Baaker.
A: Mount Baldi
Q: What did Yul Brenner's wife do on their wedding night?
A: Bible belt.
Q: What holds up Oral Roberts' pants?
A: Milk and honey.
Q: What do you get from a bee that has an udder?
A: Black and white and twenty feet tall.
Q: Describe Sister Mary Kong.
A: An unmarried woman.
Q: What was Elizabeth Taylor between 3 and 5 pm on June 1, 1952?
A: The Laughing Policeman.
Q: What do you call a cop who frisks himself?
A: Dustin Hoffman.
Q: Describe someone cleaning his Hoffman.
A: Until he gets caught.
Q: How long does a United States Congressman serve?
A: Shareholder.
Q: What did Sonny Bono used to be?
A: Skalliwags.
Q: What does your skalli do when it's happy?
A: Head and shoulders.
Q: What do you see if you open the trunk of the Godfather's car?
A: Hickory Dickory Dock.
Q: Who do you go to when you have a pain in your hickory dickory?
A: "Rose Bowl."
Q: What do you say when it's Rose's turn at the bowling alley?
A: That darn cat.
Q: Who ruined that darn rug?
A: Gunga din.
Q: What do you hear when you put an amplifier in your gunga?
A: "Follow the yellow brick road."
Q: What are good directions to a urologist's office?
A: At both ends.
Q: Where do New Yorkers put their dogs muzzles?
A: Igloo.
Q: What do you use to keep your ig from falling off?
A: R-O-L-A-I-D-S.
Q: How does a stupid person spell "backgammon"?
A: Grape Nuts.
Q: What are Ernest and Julio Gallo?
A: Shake-N-Bake.
Q: Describe a double feature with Earthquake and The Towering Inferno.
A: Flypaper.
Q: What do you use to gift wrap a zipper?
A: Supervisor.
Q: What does Clark Kent wear to keep the sun out of his eyes?
| {Old Posts here}
Forgot One
One of my all time favorite skits was when he did the Tea Time with Art Fern. I loved the line
"How do you get to There? Take the Ventura Freeway to another freeway until you get to the Slauson cutoff. Stop the car. Get out of your car. Cut off your Slauson. Get back in your car and travel until you come to...THE FORK IN THE ROAD."
| {Old Posts here}
"How do you get to There? Take the Ventura Freeway to another freeway until you get to the Slauson cutoff. Stop the car. Get out of your car. Cut off your Slauson. Get back in your car and travel until you come to...THE FORK IN THE ROAD."
| {Old Posts here}
Bah with 50% less humbug
Got a ticket. $50...not bad considering everything that happened. Johnny Carson has passed and the world is a little less brighter...
Some of his best lines
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved.
When turkeys mate they think of swans.
For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off...
As Carnac the
Answer: “Ben Gay.” Question: “Why didn’t Ben Franklin have any children?”
Some quotes about him by others:
"It's a sad day for his family and his country. All of us who came after are pretenders. We will not see the likes of him again. He gave me a shot on his show and in doing so, he gave me a career. A night doesn't go by that I don't ask myself, 'What would Johnny have done?' He has been greatly missed since his retirement. Thank God for videotapes and DVDs. In this regard, he will always be around. He was the best, a star and a gentleman."
David Letterman
"Johnny Carson was a man I considered like a brother to me. Our 34 years of working together, plus the 12 years since then, created a friendship which was professional, family like and one of respect and great admiration."
—Ed McMahon
| {Old Posts here}
Some of his best lines
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved.
When turkeys mate they think of swans.
For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off...
As Carnac the
Answer: “Ben Gay.” Question: “Why didn’t Ben Franklin have any children?”
Some quotes about him by others:
"It's a sad day for his family and his country. All of us who came after are pretenders. We will not see the likes of him again. He gave me a shot on his show and in doing so, he gave me a career. A night doesn't go by that I don't ask myself, 'What would Johnny have done?' He has been greatly missed since his retirement. Thank God for videotapes and DVDs. In this regard, he will always be around. He was the best, a star and a gentleman."
David Letterman
"Johnny Carson was a man I considered like a brother to me. Our 34 years of working together, plus the 12 years since then, created a friendship which was professional, family like and one of respect and great admiration."
—Ed McMahon
| {Old Posts here}
